FAILURE

I AM SUCH A FAILURE. I FAIL AT ALMOST EVERYTHING. IT SEEM WHATEVER I DO THERE ARE ALWAYS OBSTACLE THAT INTERFERE WITH ME, NEVER A THING I DONE IS SUCCESSFULLY ACCOMPLISHED. THOUGH MANY MY FAILURE ARE MINOR EXCEPT FOR EXCEPTIONAL FEW MAJOR FAILURE, I STILL FEEL ASHAMED OF MY SELF. FOR, THOUGH IT MAY BE UNNOTICEABLE BY OTHERS, BUT I ACTUALLY ARE AMBITIOUS. I NEVER LIKE FAILURE AND NEVER DO. I HAD AND ALWAYS HAVE STRIVE FOR THE BEST FOR ONE REASON ONLY. I ACCEPT ONLY VICTORY! HOWEVER REALITY ARE CRUEL TO ME, THE MORE I WANT VICTORY THE MORE FAILURE I ACHIEVE. IN THE END, I HAD GAIN WHAT I MOST HATE. STUDY I HAD, IMPROVE MY SELF I HAD TRIED, TO BE 1 IN EVERYTHING I DONE. ALL I HAD TRIED TO DO AND ALL HAD FAIL. I EVEN FAIL TO DELIVER SURPRISE TO my friends earlier yesterday.(WHO I SHALL NOT MENTION). I WISH I CAN BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL

WHAT WRONG WITH ME?

THIS IS THE QUESTION I HAD ASK MYSELF. WHAT HAD I DONE TO MY FRIEND TO DESERVE MY FRIEND WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND IN MY MIND TO HAVE CAME TO DISLIKE AND IGNORE ME? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? AM I BECOME BORING TO YOU? OR EVEN UNBEARABLE TO YOU? what have i done to deserve this i thought we were friends? recenly i thought my heart which is tainted by the snare of loneliness can be wash as i move on from the old life but guess i was wrong.i am alway will be same as i am i guess it is what made who i am. it is what made my personality and my heart which was still stain by lonliness which i guess will never be washed away and can only be scrap of by bits. however, the stain will alway be there,only visible or not. in my state i guess it is prety visible to the extent of irritation to others. i guess my heart is only to contain me only and nothing else and i was my own men, a men who keep to himself. this is what i thought previously and still do now then ever. i thought by excaping past and move on to another area will change my preception but i was wrong. After God, me was all i have and had and which i will take of. i shall take good care of me and love it since it is the person i can cope and friend with the most i hope no one read it

THANKS YOU

FOR ONCE I HAD RECEIVE KINDNESS FROM MY FRIENDS. I WAS REALLY TOUCH FOR NEVER BEFORE I RECIEVE HELP FROM OTHERS WITH SUCH SINCERITY. THE FIRST KINDNESS I RECEIVE FROM NON FAMILY MEMBER. FOR THIS I WANT TO SECRETLY THANK HER FOR HER CONCERN. THIS TOUCHING INCIDENT HAPPENED FEWS WEEKS BEFORE. AT THAT TIME IT WAS DAYS BEFORE MY VOLLEYBALL EXAM. SO NATURELY MY HEART WAS BURDEN WITH WORRIES THAT HAD STEAL AWAY OF MY SLEEPFULL NIGHT. I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO EXCEPT TO CRAWL INTO MY DEEPEST CORNER OF MY HEART TO CRY FOR HELP. IN ADMIST MY WORRIES, GOD SEND A SISTER TO HELP ME OUT TO EASE MY BURDEN. SHE OUT OF THE BLUE, OFFER HER TUTORING TO HELP ME PASS THE VOLLEYBALL TEST AT 4 PM TO FIVE PM. WE PRATICE DIGGING AND SERVING. FRENKLY SHE WAS NOT A VERY GOOD TEACHER, SHE KEEP LECTURING ME TO DIG MORE THAN 30 TIME BUT SHE HERSELF CAN ONLY DIG 2 OR 3 TIMES. SOMEMORE KEEP SAYING HOW GOOD SHE IS. NEVERTHELESS I WAS TOUCH BECAUSE SHE TOOK HER TIME TO OFFER HELP TO ME WHEN SHE HERSELF IS BUSSY. ITS HELP ME A LOT. IT WAS HER HELP THAT I WAS ABLE TO PASS THE VOLLEYBALL TEST. HOWEVER IS NOT HER TUTOURING SKILL THAT HELP ME SINCE SHE IS NOT VERY GOOD, IT WAS HER CONCERN AND KINDNESS THOUGHT.
THANK YOU

Adandon

Abandon. It is the core of my heart. From the day i step into the world i had known that i was and will be always alone. i had always and always will struggle to survive in this world which always seem to trying to devour me. i guess that doesn't matter. this give me strength and power. being alone i have to grow in every way by my self since from the begining i was alone and probably always be. Sometimes, i wish it wasnt true. i wish i had someone to share my feeling . but that someone never came. i guess i suit to be a loner more. sometimes when i gaze at the moon i always feel a feeling of belongings a feeling that similar to wolwes who scream for the feel of bonding with its pack. but i guess that day will probaly never come.

Love . what is love? love to me is a question that answer had not dawn on me. it what i seek but havent achieve. my answer will always be one when my thought on quetion that related to emotion that is i feel nothing. what is joy to others to me it is nothing. just ordinary things that always happened. i had always feel that emotion is a bother and only focus on knowledge. it is motivate me to advance in my life. i had always wonder what it would ex[perince love and feel it. love of any kind friendship and the rest to me it is not comprehanded by me. i feel i am stranger to it. i hope one day i came to experience it. so i would be able to express my self as others. it is hard to express myself for me because a emotionless person cannot express himself can he?

feel bad losing someone doccuments. i wish i can compansanate her loss. the only hope that i has is that no one faith andconfidence in me will woresen from bad to worse. hope still can retain my not so good image

holiday finally over. now come with a new day doing the same routine(study and doing assigment.cant wait). one thing i am sure of is that the memories i pick during holiday is unforgetable. i will always remember the times i spend at melaka camp organize by tarc cf. i meet new friends and gain experience. there i first handed witness what faith is and its power though i my self seldom associate with that word. i always feel an emptiness whithin me .i hope one day i could feel it with something good.i hope it faith. the camp was avesome especially the food. it is incredible.too bad certain someone not allow me to have more than two helping. no doubt the camp is fun with all those games and testimony sharing. i especially enjoy them the one about treasure hunt and all. thought i was exhausted and always get yell by A i feel fun. but the momment was temporary. even in the camp i cant seperate emptiness from me. when i said i never forget this memories is because it the first time i feel connected to God somehow. but i do not feel i was change or transfrom like one of the speaker say he and others felt. as usual, i feel dettach from the world.issolated. A lone ranger and i dont like it.you may asked what about your friend? well frankly speaking almost all my friends i feel they are mocking me no matter new friends which i made in college or old friends which i made in my old school and other places. do you know the when eyes of a person who judge another person inferior is is an cold and icy stare almost that he is annoying and their voice bear the message of please go away you not wanted.most of them seem to be mocking me and doesnt give me change to show my talent. of course thre is a few exception and i tressure them.sure i mees up but that doesnt mean i do not work for it. i can see in their tones nd eyes they think i am not emmm shall i say not very bright. but that not how i saw my self. i think if given one more changes i can do very well. even what i wrote here does not attract readers. but fortune born out of unfortunate i guess. that way nobody knows my true feeling. if they saw this i am sure they will said this is my own fault. i done this wrong that wrong. but i tell you i always tried my best. all i want is adknowledgement from another people. a good friend. a friend which share the same soul and trouble. those kind you called soul siblings which i sought for long time and failed. i hope i find them soon but most probably i failed like i always do. i know probaly no one will read this stuff i wrote, but i hope those who read them will not humiliate me furthermore by laughing at me and my cries of lonliness and think i deserve it.